The Chaotic Mixed Bag of Life

Y’all, I’m beyond exhausted. The coronavirus has sent my already turbulent life into chaos. The country shut down and I continued to work. States began reopening, and now they’re shutting down once again. Everything that was level is now suddenly upside-down again. How do you aim at a target when the ground is shaking, the target ever moving, and your feet are increasingly unsteady beneath you? Life as I knew it changed forever a year ago, and now COVID-19 is the icing on the cake. My social life has been suffocated by, well, distance. Day to day workload has increased, changed, morphed, grown, and multiplied by the unending pandemic. Relaxation has been limited to what I can do at home, behind a screen, and through the internet. I do not feel as though I am living, but fighting a current that pulls me farther and farther away from the shore. As an essential employee, the effects of coronavirus were being felt by it was different. My daily schedule changed a little bit, but it was still relatively normal. Now, I’m busier than ever and I yearn for a break.

I’m feeling discouraged in this moment. It’s very easy for me to latch onto everything that’s going wrong or not going how I would like it to be and to complain. There is a place to grieve that which we are not having currently… I don’t know how to describe what it feels like, but there’s something different that is stirring within me. I sense that some of what I’m feeling stems from the lessons I’ve learned walking through grief over the past 10 months. There’s a softened stance toward things that seems to be working against me. Since or just before the pandemic swept over America, I’ve: been promoted at work to an incredible position full of possibilities, found a beautiful home to rent, moved in with two Godly friends, and have continued to have a job throughout this whole ugly pandemic. God has provided for me throughout this season. I cannot deny that. Yet, even with these awesome things, I am weary. I am tired. I am spread thin.

I very actively try to use my platform(s) as accurate representations of reality. I do not try to portray my life as being something that it’s not on social media. I try to be very transparent through this website. I try to learn and share from my experiences. Yet, with that being said, there are things that are going on that have etched away at me. Burdens that weigh heavily upon me. Trials that have been excruciatingly unpleasant. How does one handle these things when you’ve been trapped by COVID-19? I’ve certainly felt trapped. Trapped by grief creeping in as anniversaries approach. Trapped in my helplessness from things that are beyond my ability. Trapped in the missed deadlines of an unrelenting education. My life is madness. Chaos.

Still, even as I feel and write this, I hope… I hope for many things. I hope for rest. For companionship. For finished goals. For relief from my afflictions. Above all, I hope that the Lord would shine His face upon His people. To remind myself and us that He has a reason for allowing this madness. I wish I could say I knew what that purpose was on an individualistic perspective, but I know at the end it is to make us more Christ-like. I wish I knew what the purpose and reason is for most of everything that’s occurred over the last twelve months. Alas, it is not for my to know on this side of heaven. Yet, still, this pandemic has increased my appreciation for the people God has placed in my life.

We’ve been all over the place. Distanced. Hanging out via Zoom. Moving forward in life. Celebrating anniversaries. Yet, we’ve grown closer together. I look forward to the day that we can do things normally once again. Where game night is not limited to our separate homes but packed around the kitchen table. I miss the laughter, the hugs, the simplicity of just being in the same room as people. With the way Texas is presently, it appears as though it will be some more time before that’s going to be possible. Still, God’s placed these wonderful people in my life, I am grateful.

Honestly, life has been hard. A mixed bag. I’m up and down. Tossed left and right. Optimistic and skeptical. Praising God and questioning what’s coming next. I am not doubled minded, but torn between the world I inhabit and the one I was designed for. The brokenness of sin being put on full display through this pandemic. As I learn more through the wisdom that comes with life experience, I realize more my need for God’s provision. I cannot do it with Him. He is the reason I get up each morning. The source of my hope. The one who’s given me a purpose to love others deeply, fully, and unconditionally. It’s not about me or what I bring to the table, but how I can love other how God has loved me. I don’t have a teachable lesson or deep meaningful insights to the Christian life, but just where I am currently. The good, bad, and ugly. Life’s not perfect, but there’s a reason to hope in God through it all!

Terren