Thoughts & Reflections

Hello friends, it’s so good to see you again! I’ve had many topics in which I’ve thought about writing about, and every time I sit down to write this annoyingly small creature perches upon my shoulder called writer’s block. Like every other block in my life it’s… um… frustrating! I’m not exactly sure what I have to say or how coherent or structured this piece is going to be, but I just want to share what’s been going on and be transparent about things. I ask that you take what you read with a grain of salt, because what I share is not necessarily the reality of things… rather what I am feeling.

If you do not know me, there’s a couple of things you should know about me that may help you have insight into what follows from here. I am a deeply internal processor. I feel things deeply. My emotions are felt strongly. I relate to the world based on how I feel. At the same time, I am a very literal and cerebral thinker. I process everything through the lens of what makes most logical sense. What is most effective or efficient. Thus, I have this (admittedly troublesome) ability to over-think things. In seeking efficiency, I tend to make things WAY more complicated than they need to be. I am, undoubtedly, my own worst enemy.

Moreover, I am also my biggest critic. The hubris of humility (at least as I analyze myself) is that I am completely unremarkable. I’m not the best writer, my photography is okay, I can come off too strong. Again, take what you read with a grain of salt… what I feel is not what is true. Perception is not always reality, especially when I know that my thoughts often betray me. At times, I feel relegated to my eleven foot by ten foot corner of the universe as though it’s a storage unit for me to reside in until a task requires my technical abilities rather than my presence actually being wanted. As if I’m known for what I do and less for who I am. I feel as though people depend on me to be strong, even though I feel as though I’m crumbling to pieces…

I have a hard time admitting these things to others. I have difficulty finding the right words, in the moment, to describe where I am at. It frustrates me to no end, because I know (although do not always recognize) that none of these things are inherently true in their nature. So why am I so insecure? What is it that these ideas seemingly reoccur time and time again when things are going so well? I have been and continue to be so undeserving of the blessings God has bestowed upon me in this life, and yet every blessing seems to be met with an ever increasing attack from the enemy. I do not always fall to the attacks of the enemy, but it has lingering heaviness upon my soul in the process nonetheless.

A couple months ago, I wrote about how difficult it is for me to pray for my own needs while incredibly easy to pray for others. I’m still working on that because I’m stubborn… but something that I’ve had to face recently goes back to the paraphrase of James 4:2-3. You have not, because you ask not. Apart from my pleading to God to take up the weight of my grief, I cannot remember the last time I told God what I wanted. Not as some petulant, obstinate, selfish child, but shared with God the deepest, intimate, sincerest desire of my heart. Who better to share with great confidence than God the desires of our hearts and souls?

Last year, when I was in Southeast Asia I was sitting outside of our hotel with a friend of mine. We had been talking for a little bit about our time over there, and how hospitable the people had been to us. One of the things that I got to experience was drinking coconut water straight from the coconut, but she had not. She confided to me, that she had prayed for a coconut as silly as that may be. I kid you not, the moment that she shared her prayer with me, we heard a dull thunk on the ground a few meter away. A coconut had fallen out a tree. You guys should have seen her smile as her request had been heard and met. As simple as it may seem, God is faithful to provide. He hears our requests and encourages our souls by His simple reminders.

Each of those things that I’ve described above appear when certain topics or desires begin pressing upon my heart. I probably would not describe myself as insecure, but as I lay all of these things out there… perhaps there are some deeply rooted insecurities that I need to address in my life. Self-doubt. Self-deprecation. There is always a hint of the truth behind humor, especially when it comes at our own expense. Ye

Normally, I try to have some teachable lesson from my experiences that may help others. Yet, in this instance, I believe (somewhat ironically) that greater self-reflection is necessary in order to really lay down these things at the feet of Jesus. Even more so, letting my closest peers in to help me work through some of these things. Learning to just speak plainly about the insecurity, doubt, and fears of my life. Beyond that, I do not know how to end this post apart from leaving it open-ended. A topic to revisit at some later date for writing and discussion.

Insecurities, Uncertainties, and the Nature of Doubt

The week before last, I house sat for my parents while they took a trip to Amish country. The course of the week went as normal between work, rehearsal, and church all while battling a sinus infection. However, on a fateful Thursday, thing unravelled quickly. Earlier that day I had left work early because I was not well and came home to find the hallway covered in a shallow puddle of water emanating from under the bathroom wall. Yikes! In the process of going up to the attic to examine the air conditioning unit and water lines, I slipped off the wooden 2x4s that allow passage throughout the attic and my foot went through the ceiling of a closet. Ouch. I called my mother regarding this additional issue and got into a spat with my father. To say that I was furious is an understatement. To say I was livid does not begin to cover the breadth of my anger and disdain. Throughout the course of the next few hours, I had exchanged messages with my mother expressing both my anger and my hurt. I was wrong and I went too far. I crossed a line. In this happenstance, however, I knew immediately what had triggered my anger.

My dad, through this occurrence and unbeknownst to him, had stuck into some insecurities that I have regarding my life. This year, I will be far closer to thirty than I am to twenty. I have not completed my undergraduate degree, I still work in fast food, I still live at home, and have not had much luck getting a leg up in life. I’m, seemingly, still living the same life that I was just after high school. The majority of my peers average in between 19-22 which is not that far from my own age, but does place them in a different stage of life than my own. Not necessarily suggesting that they are immature or incapable of sharing some of the same intrinsic properties that are universal to our way of living here in America, but where I was at 18, 19, 20, and so on were vastly different from each other. Despite growing and taking on more responsibilities, more opportunities, I have not been able to overcome the plateau to be able to fully take care of myself free from the ties to my parents. I’m independent, yes, but I’m dependent on my parents none the less. Couple this with people my age who are getting married, starting families, buying homes, and so forth, where does that suggest about myself? What do they know that I don’t? Obviously, nothing. Their lives are not mine nor is their path my own. Being of both a retrospective and philosophic mind, I understand the principal differences in my path and the paths of others. Yet, I still seem to be contained to the contrived timeline of millennials as suggested by media.

I have a love hate relationship with social media and I constantly find myself at odds with it. In many ways, it is a great communication tool and I have legitimate needs for it. However, social media is a lie. A curated, mathematical, algerithmic display of what a company thinks I want to see. Facebook, Instagram, YouTube, Twitter, etc all use algorithms to experiment and tweak our emotions. Movies, books, music all have this same issue. They are not true representations of life. They are stylized, romanticized, idealized representations of life. One of my favorite movies of recent is La La Land which the entire premise steams from setting up traditional expectations before subverting them. The tag for the movie, “Here’s to the fools who dream” reveals the subversion to the romanticized Hollywood representation of reality. Yet, even in its attempt of subverting our expectation, the movie is still dramatized, romanticized, and fictional. Yet, like La La Land, we are influenced by our entertainment. Having worked in a book store, I am not surprised by the sheer volume of trashy, poorly written romance novels targeted to women. They are in their essence entirely romanticized, sometimes erotic, works meant to sate our internal, often unexpressed desires. Thus I find myself at odds with myself. I have desires that extend beyond my current circumstances.

I am insecure about my future, about my prospects. These insecurities are fed by comparison, often conscious but regularly unconscious, to societies expectations. Do I meet up with the societal expectation that I should be established by this point? No. Am I living freely, selfishly with no regard to the status quo? No. Am I disinterested and disengaged? No. Yet, if we’re going by arbitrary status marks of success, then I do not match the norm. Have I completed a degree? No. Do I have a house/apartment? No. Do I have a sustainable job? No, not really. My point being that I’ve progressed personally, spiritually but I have not progressed in life. If that makes any sense. For example, there was a headline going around about a 30 year old who was evicted by his parents in upstate New York, while comical, it is a situation far too close to home for me. While I am not free loading and unproductive, I am still living at home. This person from the headline has been the butt of a good many jokes, but is a situation far from my own. The circumstances are very different and as such I do not compare myself to it. The reason I bring this up is to address that fact that I am, indeed, insecure about the future.

Insecurity in men is hardly addressed as compared to women. Going back to entertainment media, women’s insecurities are often played for jokes or for laughs. One example that comes to mind is the movie Mean Girls which features of myriad of jokes at the expense of women. Just as there a cultural expectations, societal expectations placed upon women, so too are expectations placed upon men. While I am no expert, looking at how men are portrayed in media over the last few decades reveal what society values in men. The 80’s were heavily set on macho men of action movies with the likes of Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sylvester Stallone, and so forth. The 00’s swung the other way with men who embraced their more sensual side taking the forefront. Currently, men are represented in a war between both sides of the spectrum as culture seemingly debates what role men are too take. Setting aside conservative and liberal political agenda and perspectives, what am I to do? Who am I?

In this spat with my father, I broke down in tears that afternoon. Why? I cannot really explain. I do not believe that my tears were from anger, nor do I believe that them stemmed from sadness. I believe that they stemmed from defeat at the hands of insecurity. I sent my mother a text that conveyed, albeit in a much more hostile and explosive manner, some of the sentiments expressed here. These sentiments reveal some of my heart and my depravity and doubt in God. I also believe that the enemy, Satan, capitalized on my foot going through the ceiling and my father’s response to take my attention, my focus away from God. One statement that I made, which I will not repeat here because of my failings as a follower of Christ, expressed my displeasure for the life that I had been dealt. To paraphrase, I did not ask for this life. I did not ask for the things that life has dealt me, the trails and tribulations God has allowed so that I may rely on Him more. This statement, I believe, reveals my sinfulness because I, in that moment, rejected God and His sovereignty. I rejected God’s plan for my life because I thought that I knew better and deserved better. What I fool am I! Woe to me for my foolishness! Honestly, I doubted God and what for? He has provided plentifully and abundantly. By any approximation, my life has been good and is going great! Yet, in my broken heart, insecurity of the future has been harbored.

Therefore I find myself sitting here wrestling with my doubts of my doubts. Sometimes, I believe myself not good enough, handsome enough, kind enough. I doubt that I am worthy being loved. I doubt being able to finish school. To move out. To have an ‘adult’ job. To get married. To have a ministry. I doubt God. Honestly… and my heart and eyes are heavy writing this, I question how much faith I really have in God’s plan for my life. Why? Because I cannot see it. I am uncertain. Granted, I am not suggesting that I do not have faith in God or salvation through faith, but that if I had total control of every circumstance in my life that I would have done things very differently. I would choose the ideal path and not the necessary path. What does that say about me? What does that say about God? I really do trust God, in complete genuine faith, but at the very same time have doubts. How can this be?! How can I with one hand be fully vested in God’s will but with the other pick out specifics of where God is not meeting my expectations? Baffling does not begin to address this thought of comprehension. Who am I to tell God what is best for me? Who am I to be unsatisfied with what has been given?

I do not write this article, as difficult as it has been to express, for your sympathy or pity. Those I needn’t want or have. Yet, I am wise enough to realize that in my moment of brokenness that my anger and lashing out originated from my doubts, uncertainty, and insecurity. We all have doubts, insecurities about ourselves, our lives, and our futures. They are infinitely numerous among us all and they do, despite how much we might surprise them, affect the way in which we view our lives and how we seek to navigate them. Our insecurities, our fears cripple us if not kept in check. They seize us up and keep us from taking necessary risks, from putting ourselves out there, and are made of compromise.

I recognize that this post is vastly different from my many others and focuses in more on what may be seen as negatives. I write this because the Christian life is one of both positive and negatives. Of successes and of failures. The Christian walk is not easy and it is full of trials that we will navigate. Do know that all is well with me and that my life is one of good things on a good path. I have wonderful friends whom I consider family who keep me on the right path. I have mentors who challenge me to improve. I have challenges to overcome and brokenness that I need to address. While I do not have a solution to the matter addressed here, I write this because it is vitally important for believers to not mask or hide the struggles we face in our day to day lives. Sanctification is a process just as life is. The pursuit of righteousness, of holiness requires addressing the brokenness within us and understanding our total need for a savior who is Jesus Christ.

 

Grace and Peace,

Terren-It-Up