Choosing Joy, Peace, and Love

I have a strong distaste for pointless or meaningless small talk particularly with people whom I have a relatively founded relationship with. The dutiful exchange of ‘how are you?’ and ‘I’m good/fine/ok’ is done in such a way that it is apparent that nobody really cares and that they are performing their social obligation. The dull pleasantries that are exchanged in this manner do not yield fruit nor do they provide opportunity to further grow and develop the relationship. It is simply small talk that fades into the aether as soon as the moment passes. Thus I despise small talk. However, the question of ‘how are you’ does not have to be a pointless introductory question and there are some who are genuinely interested and concerned about how we are doing in life and are hoping for an honest answer.

I constantly ask the students in our youth group how their week has been, followed with how they are doing. Most of the time, you’ll get nearly identical answers from them (almost verbatim) which I find humorous because I already expect the ‘I’m fine’ answer. Using ‘I’m fine’ is typically the phrased used to save face or to hide what is actually going on. I do not pry, but you can tell that it’s not a honest response. However, I follow up with some variation of ‘What is one good thing God has provided you with this week’ or ‘Where has God given you joy this week.’ I am tickled because the question stumps them for a moment as they search through their recollection to find anything that matches the posed question. No matter what they had previously said or how their carried themselves, a smile breaks across their face as they remember something that brought them joy, happiness, or peace during the week. Some answers include but are not limited to ‘I took a nap’ or ‘I have Taco Bell’ or ‘my dog did this really funny thing.’ What I have observed is that we, myself included, are very much focused on what goes wrong during the week or what what did not go our way that we forget what good happened. Which what a testament is that to our fallen nature!

When God has done something incredible, miraculous scripture shows how easily mankind turns away forgetting what has just happened minutes, days, weeks before. For example, God empowered Moses to split the sea as the Israelites fled from Egypt and just days laters as Moses ascended Mount Sinai the Israelites decide to build a golden calf to worship as their god! After Christ performed many miracles and displayed his divinity to the Jewish people, they were given the choice of taking back Jesus or the murderer Barabbas and they choose Barabbas! The point being is that we are so prone to wander even when we’ve seen God move and do incredible things! For followers of Christ, we’ve seen firsthand how God has transformed our lives and we have experienced the peace and joy that is only found in God. So why do we still have such difficulty finding joy? Finding peace? Finding love? Why is our first instinct to hone in on negative things?

Choice. Who made the first decision in history? Who set all of life into motion? Who decide what would be and what would come? God did. Before time, matter, everything it was just God. God always was, always is, and always will be. God decided to create all thing. God chose to create the heavens and the earth. To populate the world with animals and the sky with stars. To separate the land with water. To create Mankind and to create women from the man. God decided. Thus God put into motion everything that we now know. God gave Adam the choice to name each of the animals, plants, and things. God placed Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden and let them live as they were designed. They were capable of making their own decisions, able to move about freely, to do as they wished. However God gave them one warning, one command. Do not eat of the fruit of the tree of knowledge of good and evil for they would surely die. Adam and Eve had one simple command to follow and even they chose… poorly.


tenor


Sure, the serpent tempted them but why would God give them the ability to choose whether or not disobey him? Because we’re not mindless, personality-less creatures. We were made with expression, with uniqueness, with purpose to worship God! Thus we had to be able to choose to worship God and we have the capability to disobey God. So this is where we ended up. Broken. Sinful. Separated from God. Yet God was not done working. God chose to make a way where there was no way. God chose to come to be a living sacrifice for the redemption of His creation. In doing so, God gave us even greater ability to choose. When Christ died on the cross for the sins of all of humanity He made a way where there was no possible way for man to choose between life and death. Just as God chose to be the ultimate example of selfless love, we can choose to die to ourselves and find joy, peace, and salvation in Christ!

We can choose to be joyful. We can choose to seek out the things that bring the heart of God joy in the midst of trials. We can find peace in the chaos. We can trust when we can so no possibility before us. We can choose to follow God when there’s temptation in front of us. There is freedom in Christ! There is freedom in the Cross! There is freedom in God! When we take on the heart of Christ, when we look through the lens of Heaven, then our outlook on Earth is completely different! Life is worth living! No matter how dark life may be, the light pierces through it! There is no power on Earth that can defeat God! So we can seek out positivity in our day to day lives. We can find things that God has put before us and celebrate that God is faithful, that God is good!

We are, of course, capable of conducting ourselves through life with a great deal of unwillingness. What I mean is that we can be grumpy and agitated by life as we walk through it. We can choose to be bothered by what God has done or by what God has withheld all while conducting ourselves in a begrudging manner. This is what I mean by an unwilling willingness. Frankly, I believe that a great many of us who call ourselves Christians (followers of Christ), have or are conducting ourselves in this manner. We have chosen to be resentful rather than joyful toward the life that God has placed us in. Thus we have the difficult choice of being intentional on what we set our focus on. All in all, we can choose to be of a despite myself mindset. We can chose to die to ourselves and rejoice in God’s plans. Let us not forget that we have hope because God created a way where there was not one. We can hope because we had no hope at one time. Choose joy, my friends as you go about your daily lives.


 

It is my sincerest hope that this website of benefit to you and that you might find hope, peace, and encouragement through these words. God is doing a great work in this world and He is moving ceaselessly! Take heart that God is faithful to love, faithful to provide for your every need! Rest in Him and be a source of life to those around you! Thank you for reading my blog!

-Terren-It-Up

I AM

Just about once a month, I am brought down and told lies about my life. I’m told that I’m not worthy of being loved or finding loved. Told that I am not wanted, that I do not belong, that the people who I call friends only tolerate me and would rather be free of my presence… Lie after lie spoken to me in my own voice with words that are not my own. Even though I know that these words are false, I am weighed down and my spirit crushed. The enemy attacks very specifically, tactfully and I always know that it’s coming. The thing that makes all of this worse, is that I am dying on the inside and yet nobody seems to notice. Nobody seems to care (false).

I am partly to blame for people not realizing that I am suffering. I have a tendency to carry myself as if nothing is wrong and that I am well despite being suffocating. A few of my closer friends have begun to take notice and call me out when they can sense that I’m masking my struggle (thanks Madison!). I’ve also been more intentional of speaking up when I’m faltering. I’ve also come to learn that I am not alone in being attacked in this way. I and some of the other leaders of my college ministry are also attacked in this very similar way. Why? What is it that the enemy is seeking to do? Why does he seek to sow discord among us and our peers? I am baffled as to why we’re being attacked in very similar circumstances with almost identical statements of isolation. Yet my God is bigger. His word is clear.


After Moses killed a man and fled into the wilderness, he dwelled in Midian where he was met by God through a burning bush. “Moses, Moses,” God called out to him, “here I am… I am the God of your father, the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob.” God makes it clear that Moses known who He is and proceeds to give Moses a seemingly impossible task: to lead Israel out of the land of Egypt. Moses, like many of us questions God, asking, “Who am I that I should go to Pharaoh and bring the children of Israel out Egypt?” In this moment, Moses doubted his capability to overcome what appears to be an insurmountable mission and God responds with, “I will be with you.” Moses again questions God how should he answer should the Israelites ask the name of God who has sent Moses to lead them out of Egypt. “I AM WHO I AM. Say to the people of Israel: I AM has sent me to you.”


God is immutably clear when He approaches us. He leaves no room for question or doubt. I am who I am. The God of Abraham, of Isaac, of Jacob. God states the relationship He has had with people with whom Moses as well as Israel would be familiar with. In doing this, God establishes a trustworthiness and gives Moses a reason to trust that God is going to work through Moses to fulfill His will. Moses’ encounter with God spurs a level of confidence that I find difficult to relate to. I do not know why I am so lacking. Why am I not confident in my faith? Why am I so timid about sharing my faith? Why do I find it so hard to believe that God is going to provide?

When my life becomes difficult, as it currently is, and lies are being spoke about me God is clear. Here I am. I am. God is present all the time and is speaking against the enemy! He is making His presence known. Here I am. Furthermore, God wants to be the center of our lives! He wants us to be secure in His will and to know that He is our God. How can I give any credence to the lies that are drowning out reality and God could barely speak in a whisper and put the lies to silence? God has a purpose of my life and He wants me to trust Him. Who am I to doubt God? Who am I to question His timing?

Honestly, I don’t know where I’m going with this post. I lost. Wandering life in circles. I don’t get it… I’m conflicted because I know God and yet I do not blindly trust Him. I know He is leading me and yet I want to flee. I know God loves me but I question Him. I know God has a purpose for me and yet I do not believe it. Why am I so broken? Why am I failing? What is it that is keeping me from being fully invested in the work of God? Why do I believe the lies? Why do I speak negatively of myself? Why do I compare myself to others?

One thing is clear. My God is bigger than my shortcoming. My God is bigger than my doubts. My God is louder than the lies. My God loves me even when I don’t. My God has gone before me to prepare a way. My God has established why I can trust Him. My God has shown me why I can love Him. Why I can worship Him. Why I can know that He is who He is.

My God made a nation from Abraham, my God delivered His people out of the hands of Egypt, my God gave Israel a king in David, God made a new covenant through Christ. God fulfilled every promise He made. My God has followed through in every covenant He made. My God is alive and He is living in me! My God has told me who I am. Now I have to believe that I am who God says I am.

God has made a place for me in this life. God has given me a family to love. My God has given me friends to share in life with. My God has given me a savior who died for me. No matter the lies, the doubt, the fear, the rejection, My God is bigger! His word is clear! I can be bold. I can trust that I am His. I am God’s child and I have no need in fear. I have no need in doubt. I can. I am because of who I AM is.

Raging Storm & Sea

Life is full of unpredictable, unexpected circumstances. Things that we could not have foreseen in our wildest dreams. Our lives are marked by times of peace and still before being rapidly replaced by chaos. These storms are trials that we must face and opportunities to choose how we will respond. The sparks of anger, downturns in wellbeing, depression, drama, and so forth are examples of storms that we may face throughout our lives. In this life, there’s always a stormy day ahead.

How do we respond when trouble comes our way? When we are surrounded by a sudden storm on an otherwise peaceful sea? Frequently, we respond in panic and frantic angst. We worry and fret and make rash decisions. Why? Because our life has been shaken up. We lose sight of the horizon and scramble to make adrenaline fueled decisions that are less than ideal. This is in our nature to panic. When faced with conflict we experience our fight or flight which causes us to grind our feet into the ground and muscle through the storm or run away as quickly as our legs will take us. We as Christians, followers of Christ, can forget that God is here and present even when He is laying on the bow of the boat. The disciples experienced this.

On that day, when evening had come, he (Jesus) said to them, “Let us go across to the other side.” And leaving the crowd, they took him with them in the boat, just as he was. And other boats were with him. And a great windstorm arose, and the waves were breaking into the boat, so that the boat was already filling. But he was in the stern, asleep on the cushion. And they (the disciples) woke him and said to him, “Teacher, do you not care that we are perishing?” And he awoke and rebuked the wind and said to the sea, “Peace! Be still!” And the wind ceased, and there was a great calm. He said to them, “Why are you so afraid? Have you still no faith?”And they were filled with great fear and said to one another, “Who then is this, that even the wind and the sea obey him?” -Mark 4:35-41

By this point in Christ’s ministry, the disciples had throw aside their professions to follow Jesus. They had witness Christ do many miracles and rebuke the Pharisees for their improper execution of the law. However, they did not fully realize who Christ was. So when a storm rolled in and threatened their wellbeing they panicked. Christ, who was seemingly unaware in his sleep, acts completely counter to what would be seemingly appropriate. The disciples were worried about their lives, fearing their death at sea. This is clear when they question Christ on whether or not he cares that they are perishing! This may appear overly dramatic, and yet how many of us would respond to God in this way when we’re facing a raging sea in life?

Oh God, do you not care that I am perishing from loneliness? Do you not care that people gossip about me? Do you not care that I am depressed? Do you not care that I am growing in sin? Spoiler alert, God does. However, in the heat of the moment, when we’re experiencing pain, hurt, grief, and sadness we can forget that God is sitting before us and that he is in absolute control. Who is this that even the wind and seas obey? Who is this that knows our lives, knows our pain, and knows how much we long for something so much more? God! It’s God! The God who sent his son to live among his creation, to live without sin, and to die on a cross for the purpose of reconciling us back into relationship with him! Scripture is God’s written testimony of how he has wanted to reconcile our relationship. To restore the connection that we once had with him.

We were not designed to experience the pains of sin. We were not designed to know shame or guilt. We were designed to worship without the burden of sin! We were made for so much more! Far more that we could imagine! How amazing is it that God wants us to have share in a relationship with him? That when there was no possible way for us to do so he made one? I find it humbling! God loves us so much that we have no way of fully processing exactly what it means! Amazing!

Thus, when Christ died on the cross and rose again three days later, his blood was sufficient to cover our sins, to disperse the storms, and to bring us back into his flock. There is no circumstance that can overtake us. There is no person, no words, no storm that will overcome us. Why? Because the one who came to make a way, made a way. He has the power to calm the storm and still the sea. To calm the rage within us and to set us on a path of forgiveness and reconciliation to others. To teach us to love when we knew no love. To show us how to forgive when we knew not how. Christ came to abolish the old ways and to instill a new way. Do you believe that? Do you believe that Christ came for you? To love you? To show you what peace is?

Suffering is a form of worship and as followers of Christ we will suffer. We will experience storms and will have choose how we will respond. We must remember that even in the midst of raging seas and storms that God is with us and that we will not be overtaken. We will still face being hurt, feeling lonely, dealing with drama, and more, but none of that can undo what Christ has done already. While we walk this earth we can suffer well and be an example of the work Christ has done for us and in us. So no matter what you are facing at this time, Christ is bigger! Know that God remains in control even when it is difficult to see. Trust him and know that he is in control.

With grace and peace,

Terren-It-Up

Who You Say I Am

For as long as I can remember, I have relied solely upon my own intuition. My perspective has been centered on my wants, my desires, my willpower. I have wrestled with God for years over my life and His timing. I have tried to force my will into fruition to no avail and I have seen God work despite my shortcoming and stubborn refusal to wait. I lament that I am so incapable of letting go and fully surrendering my life to Him. I have been having what you might call an identity crisis and have had to step back from what I thought I knew. I wrestle with the shifting perspectives of my life. How I view my life and how God sees my life. Who am I? It is a question that I’ve asked myself on many occasions. Why am I the way that I am? Why am I where I am? Why has God withheld things from me? Who am I suppose to be? Why am I not there yet? Why am I here? What is my purpose? Who am I?

In the sake of honesty and transparency, I am terrible at relying on God. I hold onto my burdens and refuse to let them go. I rely on my own strength, my own mind, and my own abilities when God has asked me repeatedly to trust Him and to rest in who He is. I have known for many years now that my life was on a trajectory that was headed toward vocational ministry and God has recently provided the opportunity to step into that ministry. I am blown away and I am somewhat grieved because I have not believed that He would provide. Despite the numerous times that God has provided great things in my life I still doubt Him. I refuse to believe that God is good and that He has promised great things for me. Why am I so stubborn? Why am I such a failure? Honestly, I do not understand (though I do know and understand) why God is so good to me? I do not deserve anything. I am a mess and yet He still pursues me.

God views my life very differently than I have. I have not been able to glimpse what that is because I have refused to let go of what I have known. What am I to do? I am not lost, but I do not understand. At this time, I exist in a state of flux. I fight for what I want but then remember that I am not my own. I am convicted that I have become so attached to what expectations I have for my life that I have missed out on God’s blessings. I have had to ask God to tell me who I am.



You see, I am not done being molded. There are still areas of my life that need to disappear. I have habits that originate from a time when I was bullied, depressed, and hopeless. Typically they rear their head under the guise of self-deprecating humor but the truth hides within humor. I do not know why I do this or why it manifests in the way that it does. I guess that some pain and self-doubt is rooted in my life and that I doubt myself on nearly every occasion. I am thankful that a dear friend of mine has seen through this and that they are willing to call me out on it. Perhaps I am just scared to surrender. Scared to let people in. To let God in.

I am scared. I am uncertain. I see what God is doing in the lives of those around me and wish that I had what they do. I wish to have what God has not said not yet to. Why can I not be a more devoted follower? Why am I so scared to take risks? To put myself out there? Why am I scared to be used by God? I grieve for my inadequacies and that I am so unworthy of what God has done. As cliched as it may be, I’m letting go. I’m tired, y’all. Tired of fighting against God. Tired of the strive and struggle. I’m tired of resisting. It is so exhausting trying to make my will be done. That is not what God wishes for my life. Or your life for that matter. My identify is totally founded in God. He sent His Son to die on a tree of His own creation to be a sacrifice for my sins. He has invited you and I to join Him and has made a place for us to sit with Him. How amazing is that?

I must doubt my doubts and ask God to help my unbelief. He has done so much for my life and I am at fault for not recognizing it. God has invited me into His home and He calls me by name. What more could I ever need? What more could I ever know? God has told me who I am. I just need to be obedient. God has been so unbelievably good to me and I am grateful! Grateful for friends who call me out, who encourage me, who are hopeful for my future, who share in this time with me. I don’t deserve them, but God has surrounded me with them. He has a reason for our gathering. He has gathered us for a purpose. How can I not be grateful for that? So I take a step back and look at who God says that I am and seek His council. May I trust more fully and be devoted to Him greater.

Why Me?

Little more than a month has passed since that last time I sat down to write something here. Well, that’s not entirely true… I’ve attempted to write on four or five topics but have been stumped by writers block at every turn. I’ve been able to get words onto the page but they failed to communicate what I was attempting to say and were not up to par with my own standards. I trip over my own words as I often trip over my own tongue and awkwardly fumble from one interaction to another. I’m sort of a mess… So I’m not going to write anything today. At least, I’m setting aside the Bible scholar hat and writing something personal and likely as informal as they come. Here goes something.


 

Why me, God? Why have you made me like I am? Why do I feel the way that I do? Why do I yearn for that which I do not have? Why do you continue to bless me while I am entirely underserving? I feel as if I am stumbling forward in life. None of it makes sense to me, God! I am abrasive. Rough around the edges. I do not deserve all that You have blessed me with! Why do You love me like You do? I do not understand…

I am not equipped for what You have presented to me. I am not worthy of what You gifted me. I amount to nothing yet You say that I am beyond measure. Why? I have not done anything to be worthy of Your gaze. I lack in qualifications, but You have presented me with opportunity. I do not deserve love, but You pour yourself out for me. I am irredeemable and still You redeemed me.

I overthink. My heart wanders. I am awkward. I have trouble speaking clearly. I am a mess. How could You ever deem me worthy of Your mercy? How could I ever be worthy of being adopted by You? I doubt You. I run from You. I hurt You. Yet You are always there waiting for me. You always forgive me. You always encourage me. You point me in the right direction. Why? Why are You for me when You should be against me? I should be Your enemy but You call me friend.

Teach me to doubt my doubts. Teach me how to love You more. Lead me to where I belong. Show me my place in this world. I ask You to give me heart for the things of You. To break me down and build me up. I beg that You wear down my edges and mold me into the man that I should be. Let me see the things of You and teach my heart to sing Your praises! Build my life according to Your will. Keep me. Bless me as only You do! Show me how to love like You and to forgive like You. I need You! I am lost without You! God, You are so infinitely good to me and I do not understand. I cannot wrap my mind around it. Why? Why me? Why are you so good to me?

Trust the Process

Living the dream. I just returned from a week of chaos, the Fourth of July, a friend’s surprise party, my first classes at Liberty University, and then leading at a student camp. I went into camp excited yet hesitant. I doubted my ability to leader, doubted God’s purpose for my being there, and what the future held for me. Through and through, I had reservations. The speaker for the week, took us on a study of Jospeh and how God used him in ways far beyond his expectations.  I was surprised, taken aback really, by how much this message impacted by our students and us, the leaders.


 

God can do anything, you know – far more than you could ever

imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams!

-Ephesians 3:20


 

I was shaken to my core by this camp and God made sure that I got the message loud and clear. This camp was pivotal in so many regards and it took me back to where I was over ten years ago as a freshman in high school. The first summer camp I attended after returning to the church was quite influential in my life that would set me down the path that I now walk. The focus of that camp was on being transformed. What would our lives look like if we embraced what we claimed to believe and sacrificed our lived to Christ? So this exploration of the life of Jospeh has presented itself as a springboard into this very topic once again. Now that I have an understanding and appreciation of the bigger and greater plans God has for my life. Recognizing that God’s plans are far better and bigger than our own, submitting ourselves to His work brings us to Romans 12.


 

I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.

-Romans 12:1-2


 

When I was getting ready to graduate from high school I thought that I would be going into education to become a teacher. When that did not work out I had no idea what was going to do. Through my experience just after I graduated and began seeking out where God was taking me, I felt my heart being tugged toward ministry, specifically toward student ministry. At the time I had no idea what that would look like or what it entailed. When I began to study at Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary this became more clear and I began to serve alongside the students at my local church. During this camp, God really reaffirmed my calling to the ministry and that my doubts were unfounded. I felt or heard, like a faint whisper, ‘trust the process.’

I was convicted because I was not trusting God with my life and kept trying to force my way into things that I am/was not prepared for. My plans were on a different timeline than that of God’s and I was full of discontentment because they did not align with my desires. Anything area that God pointed out to me is that I still have work to do on myself. To hone my abilities and to be flexible, bendable in how I approach leading students. To be loving and gracious in how I engage with my students. I want to learn and to grow so that I may be a better leader to these students. I am still rough around the edges and have need of seeking out guidance and teachers of my own.

I know my calling is in ministry and God has only made it more and more clear to me. Trust the process. Recognize that He has something far greater and better planned that I do and that His timing is perfect. So, if I can impart anything to y’all through my experience, is to trust the process. Trust God with your life.

Grace and Peace,

Terren-It-Up

Insecurities, Uncertainties, and the Nature of Doubt

The week before last, I house sat for my parents while they took a trip to Amish country. The course of the week went as normal between work, rehearsal, and church all while battling a sinus infection. However, on a fateful Thursday, thing unravelled quickly. Earlier that day I had left work early because I was not well and came home to find the hallway covered in a shallow puddle of water emanating from under the bathroom wall. Yikes! In the process of going up to the attic to examine the air conditioning unit and water lines, I slipped off the wooden 2x4s that allow passage throughout the attic and my foot went through the ceiling of a closet. Ouch. I called my mother regarding this additional issue and got into a spat with my father. To say that I was furious is an understatement. To say I was livid does not begin to cover the breadth of my anger and disdain. Throughout the course of the next few hours, I had exchanged messages with my mother expressing both my anger and my hurt. I was wrong and I went too far. I crossed a line. In this happenstance, however, I knew immediately what had triggered my anger.

My dad, through this occurrence and unbeknownst to him, had stuck into some insecurities that I have regarding my life. This year, I will be far closer to thirty than I am to twenty. I have not completed my undergraduate degree, I still work in fast food, I still live at home, and have not had much luck getting a leg up in life. I’m, seemingly, still living the same life that I was just after high school. The majority of my peers average in between 19-22 which is not that far from my own age, but does place them in a different stage of life than my own. Not necessarily suggesting that they are immature or incapable of sharing some of the same intrinsic properties that are universal to our way of living here in America, but where I was at 18, 19, 20, and so on were vastly different from each other. Despite growing and taking on more responsibilities, more opportunities, I have not been able to overcome the plateau to be able to fully take care of myself free from the ties to my parents. I’m independent, yes, but I’m dependent on my parents none the less. Couple this with people my age who are getting married, starting families, buying homes, and so forth, where does that suggest about myself? What do they know that I don’t? Obviously, nothing. Their lives are not mine nor is their path my own. Being of both a retrospective and philosophic mind, I understand the principal differences in my path and the paths of others. Yet, I still seem to be contained to the contrived timeline of millennials as suggested by media.

I have a love hate relationship with social media and I constantly find myself at odds with it. In many ways, it is a great communication tool and I have legitimate needs for it. However, social media is a lie. A curated, mathematical, algerithmic display of what a company thinks I want to see. Facebook, Instagram, YouTube, Twitter, etc all use algorithms to experiment and tweak our emotions. Movies, books, music all have this same issue. They are not true representations of life. They are stylized, romanticized, idealized representations of life. One of my favorite movies of recent is La La Land which the entire premise steams from setting up traditional expectations before subverting them. The tag for the movie, “Here’s to the fools who dream” reveals the subversion to the romanticized Hollywood representation of reality. Yet, even in its attempt of subverting our expectation, the movie is still dramatized, romanticized, and fictional. Yet, like La La Land, we are influenced by our entertainment. Having worked in a book store, I am not surprised by the sheer volume of trashy, poorly written romance novels targeted to women. They are in their essence entirely romanticized, sometimes erotic, works meant to sate our internal, often unexpressed desires. Thus I find myself at odds with myself. I have desires that extend beyond my current circumstances.

I am insecure about my future, about my prospects. These insecurities are fed by comparison, often conscious but regularly unconscious, to societies expectations. Do I meet up with the societal expectation that I should be established by this point? No. Am I living freely, selfishly with no regard to the status quo? No. Am I disinterested and disengaged? No. Yet, if we’re going by arbitrary status marks of success, then I do not match the norm. Have I completed a degree? No. Do I have a house/apartment? No. Do I have a sustainable job? No, not really. My point being that I’ve progressed personally, spiritually but I have not progressed in life. If that makes any sense. For example, there was a headline going around about a 30 year old who was evicted by his parents in upstate New York, while comical, it is a situation far too close to home for me. While I am not free loading and unproductive, I am still living at home. This person from the headline has been the butt of a good many jokes, but is a situation far from my own. The circumstances are very different and as such I do not compare myself to it. The reason I bring this up is to address that fact that I am, indeed, insecure about the future.

Insecurity in men is hardly addressed as compared to women. Going back to entertainment media, women’s insecurities are often played for jokes or for laughs. One example that comes to mind is the movie Mean Girls which features of myriad of jokes at the expense of women. Just as there a cultural expectations, societal expectations placed upon women, so too are expectations placed upon men. While I am no expert, looking at how men are portrayed in media over the last few decades reveal what society values in men. The 80’s were heavily set on macho men of action movies with the likes of Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sylvester Stallone, and so forth. The 00’s swung the other way with men who embraced their more sensual side taking the forefront. Currently, men are represented in a war between both sides of the spectrum as culture seemingly debates what role men are too take. Setting aside conservative and liberal political agenda and perspectives, what am I to do? Who am I?

In this spat with my father, I broke down in tears that afternoon. Why? I cannot really explain. I do not believe that my tears were from anger, nor do I believe that them stemmed from sadness. I believe that they stemmed from defeat at the hands of insecurity. I sent my mother a text that conveyed, albeit in a much more hostile and explosive manner, some of the sentiments expressed here. These sentiments reveal some of my heart and my depravity and doubt in God. I also believe that the enemy, Satan, capitalized on my foot going through the ceiling and my father’s response to take my attention, my focus away from God. One statement that I made, which I will not repeat here because of my failings as a follower of Christ, expressed my displeasure for the life that I had been dealt. To paraphrase, I did not ask for this life. I did not ask for the things that life has dealt me, the trails and tribulations God has allowed so that I may rely on Him more. This statement, I believe, reveals my sinfulness because I, in that moment, rejected God and His sovereignty. I rejected God’s plan for my life because I thought that I knew better and deserved better. What I fool am I! Woe to me for my foolishness! Honestly, I doubted God and what for? He has provided plentifully and abundantly. By any approximation, my life has been good and is going great! Yet, in my broken heart, insecurity of the future has been harbored.

Therefore I find myself sitting here wrestling with my doubts of my doubts. Sometimes, I believe myself not good enough, handsome enough, kind enough. I doubt that I am worthy being loved. I doubt being able to finish school. To move out. To have an ‘adult’ job. To get married. To have a ministry. I doubt God. Honestly… and my heart and eyes are heavy writing this, I question how much faith I really have in God’s plan for my life. Why? Because I cannot see it. I am uncertain. Granted, I am not suggesting that I do not have faith in God or salvation through faith, but that if I had total control of every circumstance in my life that I would have done things very differently. I would choose the ideal path and not the necessary path. What does that say about me? What does that say about God? I really do trust God, in complete genuine faith, but at the very same time have doubts. How can this be?! How can I with one hand be fully vested in God’s will but with the other pick out specifics of where God is not meeting my expectations? Baffling does not begin to address this thought of comprehension. Who am I to tell God what is best for me? Who am I to be unsatisfied with what has been given?

I do not write this article, as difficult as it has been to express, for your sympathy or pity. Those I needn’t want or have. Yet, I am wise enough to realize that in my moment of brokenness that my anger and lashing out originated from my doubts, uncertainty, and insecurity. We all have doubts, insecurities about ourselves, our lives, and our futures. They are infinitely numerous among us all and they do, despite how much we might surprise them, affect the way in which we view our lives and how we seek to navigate them. Our insecurities, our fears cripple us if not kept in check. They seize us up and keep us from taking necessary risks, from putting ourselves out there, and are made of compromise.

I recognize that this post is vastly different from my many others and focuses in more on what may be seen as negatives. I write this because the Christian life is one of both positive and negatives. Of successes and of failures. The Christian walk is not easy and it is full of trials that we will navigate. Do know that all is well with me and that my life is one of good things on a good path. I have wonderful friends whom I consider family who keep me on the right path. I have mentors who challenge me to improve. I have challenges to overcome and brokenness that I need to address. While I do not have a solution to the matter addressed here, I write this because it is vitally important for believers to not mask or hide the struggles we face in our day to day lives. Sanctification is a process just as life is. The pursuit of righteousness, of holiness requires addressing the brokenness within us and understanding our total need for a savior who is Jesus Christ.

 

Grace and Peace,

Terren-It-Up